Monica’s mother and me

How goal setting turned me into Monica’s mother.  

We live in a world of #youcandoanything. Like many people, I bombard myself with empowering Instagram quotes. I have become quite the inspiration addict.  

Inspiration should be handled with care. 

My best sources of #youcandoit quotes combine two themes:

  • #followyourdreams (i.e. focussed goal setting); and
  • #selflove (i.e. be kind to yourself in the process).

The result: set goals and hope to achieve things whilst being kind and encouraging yourself as you make moves to begin, work and achieve.

In my experience, the first without the second causes fatigue, adrenaline overload and an unhealthy tunnel vision.

I hadn’t considered how my #selflove was manifesting itself and had a horrible realisation.  There is a disastrous internal miscommunication going on.

So… to the Friends analogy.

Everyone’s seen the Friends episodes when Monica’s mother directs a constant stream of criticism Monica’s way.  Let’s presume that this is well intended and that she loves Monica and wants the best for her.

Monica and the rest of us perceive the criticism as destructive and mean. The reaction: resistance, anger and a shutting down. 

Just like Monica’s mother, my goal-setting-self has the best of intentions.  When I set goals I want the best for myself and it comes from a place of self development.  

However, when I communicate the goals to myself my gut hears (or feels) me:

(A) guilting myself into doing things; and 

(B) feeling shame when I don’t manage to do those things.  

I have realised that, despite my good intentions, my inner voice has become as destructive and mean as Monica’s mother.  

I use this voice in relation to creative productivity, eating, exercise, posture… all of it.  Demanding impossible standards and criticising failure.

Now that I’ve noticed, I’m trying to be kinder and it seems to be going well.

Recommendations

I’ve tried a few things to teach my goal-setting voice to be kinder.  Here’s what I’ve found helpful:

  • Big wishes:  The classic  coach question is:  what would you do if money, your ego (etc…) wasn’t an issue?   Instead ask:  what would you wish for yourself in your life in relation to your work, home, creativity, family, [insert other important categories].  Write constantly for 2 minutes, 5 minutes or 20 minutes and see how it feels.
  • 3 daily wishes:  each day, instead of writing a to-do list, make three wishes for yourself that day.  Be as specific as possible.  Again, see how it feels.
  • Listening out for Monica’s Mom:  Always listen out for Monica’s Mother voice and, where possible, try to rephrase the criticism and be kind.
  • Done list:  Taking time at the end of each day to do a “done” list rather than a to do list can be satisfying.

I’d be really interested to hear ways that others deal with this inner voice.

Thanks for reading.

Em x

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Escape the City

If I’m honest I joined Escape the City’s Idea Accelerator programme last summer because I was terrified of quitting my job as a City lawyer.  I hoped that being around others who had made, or were preparing to make, a similar “reckless decision” might normalise the whole thing for me.

This basic objective was fulfilled and, as I write from my travels in the US, I reflect upon my Escape experience.

The Escape team are currently recruiting for the next London cohorts. Check out their website at https://www.escapethecity.org. If you get involved, do drop my name and if you have any questions you’d like to ask me, please get in touch.

I have always written music but have been afraid of releasing into the world.  Before starting the Escape programme I had also written a children’s book.

The Idea Accelerator programme was a 12 weeks spent with 29 other humans who all had their ideas to accelerate.  The majority were start-up business ideas but the principles really worked for my creative projects.

Here’s how the Escape experience helped:

(1) Community

I gained a community of risk takers who not only normalised the idea of leaving my responsible job but celebrated it, supported my idea and were a weekly source of inspiration.

(2) Break it down 

When I turned up to the course I had my music, my book and this blog in mind.  I was trying to funnel them all in the same direction as one idea. In going through the exercises and processes on the course I quickly realised that these were three separate ideas so squishing them into the same funnel wouldn’t work. I then decided to focus on my book: The Unexpected Adventure of Ammerella Twigg.

(3) Reveal the yellow brick road

Once all the pieces were broken down, the amazing Escape team: Dom, Ben, Skye and Mia, were there with A3 pieces of paper, post-it notes and Sharpies to provide a pathway to pursue, explore and test the idea.  This was hugely helpful for getting through the blocks that fear can put in the way of progress.

(4) Break it down, again

Next was to break the book idea down into its most basic form. How could I get it into the world without spending all my money?

(a) I printed 100 very basic versions of the book and gave them out to people, encouraging them to pass them on. These were my Beta readers. The more the books were passed on, I hoped that the more objective the feedback would become.

(b) I delved into bookstagram and contacted Instagram users who loved books. I sent three sample chapters to individuals who were interested in reading them.

This all gave me hugely helpful feedback so that I could get to the re-write.

(5) Acknowledge the fear

Putting yourself out there with your idea whether it is a piece of music, writing or a business is hugely scary.  We usually hear stories after the success has happened so all those “rock bottom moments” seem romantic. They ain’t.  The course and the community meant that there was support, inspiration and mentoring to keep those heads above water.

(6) Ask for help 

Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle taught me to be an independent woman. They neglected to teach the next lesson: asking for help is not shameful. Sometimes other people have skills that can be hugely useful to us and that they are willing to share.  In asking the beta readers for help, I learned that not only do people like to help, sometimes they are grateful for the opportunity. This absolutely blew my mind.

Where I’m at and how you can help:

I’m making music, traveling and writing as I have hoped to do for years but not been brave enough.

  • Listen/follow: My first single, Parity, is available on Spotify… and please follow me by clicking on the button below, because 11 followers is never enough 🙂

https://open.spotify.com/follow/1/?uri=spotify:artist:0iolxnLHUhuYBeytiq95zm?si=E-zR8Sg4S0iAONwH1JPGsA&size=detail&theme=lightBe a beta reader: I’m looking for readers of version 2.0 of my book.  Get in touch if you’d be interested in reading (embriarmusic@gmail.com).  You can read more about it here.

  • Host a gig: I’m coming back to the UK in the summer and am keen to share the music I’ve been making on my travels.  If you’d be interested in hosting a gig please get in touch (embriarmusic@gmail.com).

What a few of the founders are up to 6 months on:

  • Lizzy founded 18.TEN Housewares during the course and has been working on her beautiful designs which rethink common homeware products such as egg cups and toast racks.  These products are due to be launched at Spotted Top Drawer in September 2018.
  • Natasha went from banking to baking and founded Bakit, which provides kits of ready-measured ingredients for delicious cakes, delivered directly to you.  She’s kindly offering a 30% discount off your first order using this code: FIRSTBAKIT.
  • Sarah founded urban plant boutique: Succulence London, providing good-looking greenery to your homes, offices and Instagram feeds.  She now has a shop in Walthamstow and she’d love to see you (Incubator 4, 6-10 Central Parade, 137 How Street, E17 4RT).
  • Tash, our decluttering queen, founded Light Style Spacewhere she helps the hoarders among us to simplify their homes in a kind and non-judgmental manner.  Tash will also help you sell valuable items and will give you any profits made as long as you spend the cash on experiences not things.
  • Tash and Lisa met on the course and teamed up to co-found And The Future which starts with a bootcamp to make you more conscious about living a more sustainable life.
  • Has founded The Drapery, where women can have existing outfits altered to truly fit them, or have their own clothing designs made from scratch. Confident, comfortable clothes. Designed by you and made by The Drapery with a 10% discount if you refer a friend.
  • Martha created Freemans Tea, a most excellent tasting unique blend which she is continuing to perfect.

Thank you Escape the City.

Fiji Paradise

The bloke in the travel agent said that I should pop to Fiji in between my Australasian and American adventures.  This would give me the chance to relax and lie on the beach for a few days.

Although I’ve never really been a hot-weather-beach person, Fiji sounded too wonderfully exotic to fly over.

I arrived here four days ago to experience wind, rain, thunder and lightning. It’s been so loud that I’ve wondered whether I am, in fact, afraid of thunder.

I have relaxed, but in my own way. I’ve been recording music.

The music has come out in a mixture of commercial songs I would like people with big voices to sing (a few are here via this private link for as long as I am brave enough to keep it here), and a daily practice that I started on Tuesday where I’m collecting sounds and trying to weave them into more coherent song-like arrangements.

This has told me what I know already, I love the rain. I should be disappointed that my time in this paradise has been interrupted. But this was perfect for me.

The photo is a glimpse of sunshine on this, my last day in Fiji. Maybe today will be less productive!

Em x

The advantages of making lots of different things

In my experience of being creative and making otuff, it’s been easy to get precious about an idea.  Setting the time aside to do that thing can become a big deal. When things are a big deal, getting around to doing them can require a special mood, occasion or… alignment of the stars.

I’ve found that, by having several projects on at once, THE THING is less intimidating and it is possible to trick the brain into being more productive.

I’ve been working on several different songs at the moment, and it’s been so good to be able to switch between them.

I’ve made a short listicle like I’m on “the BuzzFeed”.

(1) Rebellion / Productive procrastination 

When you have a to-do list and then work on something that is not on that list, it feels like procrastination.

It can give you a kick and have the same pay-off as a massive Youtube binge: rebellion.  That naughty inner voice says: “just one more thing… then I’ll definitely definitely get on with what I’m supposed to be doing”.

Suddenly, before you realise it, something else has been made. Magic.

(2) The more advanced work inspires the newly conceived work

Having different projects at different stages means that some parts will be more polished than others. The more polished work provide inspiration in moments of despair. That “there is a way through”/“I am a capable human being” feeling can be very helpful.

(3) Easy wins to get started

I like to make some quick progress when initially sitting down to work. This can help to build momentum and keep you there for longer.  Revisiting something that just needs fresh ears or a bit of tweaking is great to feel like progress is being made quickly.  A shortcut to getting in the Zone!

(4) Let the mood take you 

Sometimes you’re just not in the mood to work on a sombre song when you’re very hyper… or whatever. Having options of different projects, doodles etc, let’s you work on what you’re in the mood to work on.

(5) Fresh eyes/ears/tastebuds etc

Shutting down one project to work on another can mean that when revisiting the first project, you see or hear it in a whole new light with a new sense of subjectivity. Ideal.

Note to self: Now go, make stuff!

The images are from my collage phase.

 

Thanks for reading.

Emma x

London Called


As the train pulls away from Paddington Station, it dawns on me that I am no longer a London resident.

After 7 years of living and working as a lawyer in the City, I am moving away.

I would be lying if I said I’d enjoyed every moment.  However, without London, I wonder if I would have the courage, skills or determination to embark upon my new adventure.

All being well, on 1 January 2018, I will land in New Zealand and pursue my dream to:

MAKE MUSIC / TRAVEL / WRITE ABOUT IT

I must be grateful to London for putting me here.

London has thickened my skin with a tough love that I have cherished and resented.

It has provided me with a whole host of courses to develop my skills in writing, music production and singing.

It has led me to friends and communities to encourage my creativity and provided me with stages that I could never have imagined performing on.

I look forward to sharing my tales here in my blog. I will be as honest here as I am prepared to be with myself.

But for now… thank you London.  You’ve been real.

Em x